I think I was at my house eating, with my brother and my ex girlfriend. I’m sorry he is dead, and feel bad for anybody that it upsets. But to be fair I think he has effectively been dead for 20 years. And to say that I never really got the Jackson thing would be a little bit of an understatement. Yeah sure he could sing and dance, from a very early age. But what a fuck up, Perhaps it’s better for him? Still I blame the parents. That’s enough time spent analysing the death of a middle age child. I expect my sister will cry. Now when Freddy died, well that was diferent.
I’m hoping to
Spend 3 weeks helping to shoot a feature in September, if all goes well it may lead to more. Currently though any job actually making films I’ll jump at. Through a hoop and around a few corners. I don’t know for sure what is happening or what I’ll be doing. I don’t even know if I’ll actually get to work on it. But all is looking good. And the amount I can learn is massive.
And NOW
This mac is dieing and I need to fix it, so soon I shall re-format it and build it from new. It’s always scary though. I hate doing it. it will never be the same.
Tomorrow is a very big day, even if nothing comes of it, I’ve a very impotent person coming over to see ou rough edit. He is fast becoming a friend and mentor, and is certainly ballsy enough to have done what I’m trying to do. There is every chance that I can screw things up, rather then bring things forward. I don’t think that there is very much more I could have done with the rough edit, mostly it would have been a waste. Tom will now build something pretty fantastic I am sure. It’s now more important to focus on Toby, mostly because we need to get him in a place to work his magic. In a lot of respects the sound and music is 70 odd percent of the film. Trust though is something that I have in abundance.
Sorrow
I’m really sad that not everybody will be around to see our success, which I’m fairly confident is about to come [don’t worry, Give it a while]. I’ve lost two grandparents, my girlfriend and somebody else over the course of getting here and only the grandparents deaths of old age can be explained. I know that I did not kill them, though they could well have been poisoned by somebody. Of course they will always be part of what I do and will never be forgoten, I’m glad of all the good things that they gave me. All adds up to an improvement in me as a person, some of it gives me a thicker skin, some a thinner. A lot I simply do not understand, perhaps one day I will? Can you answer that? I can’t.
Memories
I go back over occasions and re-run the past. I look at what has happened and questions other peoples perceptions. I have taken many comments and actions on the chin for people, and feel that in some instances I deserve t least an explanation for why things happen. But cancer spreads within us as does heart disease, often the cause is found far to late, and even cutting it out will not stop the advance. Parts break off and spread through the system, latching on to all the organs slowly restricting life. Chocking ones very existence. Once you let this happen you are dead. A horribly painful and lonely death. But it’s worth a shot cut the cancer out and give yourself that chance. Like a heart transplant, wake up and see a wonderful new day. Life should be lived. And lived life should be.
It’s tomorrow [now]
So I must sleep. I’m not doing a lot of that right now, I keep trying to work out why things are the way they are, I can’t make sense of it. No matter how hard I try, I can not. I really don’t know why some things happen. I think I fell into a trap. An evil trap. That trap will never hold me down, but it has devastated me. It will take everything I have to survive the next few weeks, I know I can do it.
