The aging process
Life doesn’t really stop for anybody does it? I realised the other day that I’ve had my mobile number for 17 years or more. That whilst I’ve been focused on making it as a film director, that I’ve become fat and live has whizzed by. I don’t mind getting older, in many respects I’m better for it. I certainly could not have been making a film as good as No Balls without the maturity that the aging process has furnished me with. It’s just sometimes you ponder these things. But this time next year I should have achieved my lifetimes ambition. And not many people when I was younger would have believed me capable of doing that. So I’m about to have nearly everything I ever wanted. Still I feel a little empty.
So we do stupid things
We do, I haven’t talked about this for a while, but I guess one of my driving forces was an ex girlfriend, still the love of my life though I’m hopeful not the only one, and I am a believer. I don’t think we had a messy break up, but I was heart broken and mourned for seven years, which only stopped after a profound dream. The thing is she told me that I would never amount to anything, that I’d never be an importent member of society. Worst of all that I would never go to the theater. Now don’t get me wrong, this was horrible, but its one of the major motivators in my life. I’m not worried particularly what society thinks of me though I would like to make a difference I guess. Retrospectively and pointed out by my brother, this was probably the words of her mother, not hers. And she did apologise for saying it, time and time again, but the damage had set in. The only way I could deal with the pain in the end was to shut her out of my life. Which bar a few chance encounters and a few emails about ten years ago, I have done. So why then did I decide it was time to look her up? 15 years after the split? I don’t know it’s almost very self destructive. I have no idea what I was hoping to achieve? I think part of me wanted her to be unhappy, ugly and lonely. Of course she is Happy, successful, married and a mother; all the things she should be. And I’m happy for her. I look at my life and I know whats missing, it’s that partnership and being a parent. Don’t get me wrong I love my life, my friends, my animals and that I get to make films.
Would you change things then?
When I look back I can’t blame the girl for ending it, I was depressed, I took too many pain-killers and my glass was always half empty. I would have dumped the old me. Had I been a different person, or had we met as older people then perhaps things could have been different. But that’s not to be, and without all those things happening, would I be the person I am now? I doubt it very much. I feel a little sad at the moment, but I’ve a funny feeling I just needed closure before I could finish this thing I’ve started. My life is close to being what I’ve always wanted and I need to vanquish my daemons and move on with it. Hopefully without hurting anybody in the process.
Laters,
Chalkster