Thoughts for the day

The aging process

Life doesn’t really stop for anybody does it? I realised the other day that I’ve had my mobile number for 17 years or more.  That whilst I’ve been focused on making it as a film director, that I’ve become fat and live has whizzed by. I don’t mind getting older, in many respects I’m better for it.  I certainly could not have been making a film as good as No Balls without the maturity that the aging process has furnished me with.  It’s just sometimes you ponder these things.  But this time next year I should have achieved my lifetimes ambition.  And not many people when I was younger would have believed me  capable of doing that.  So I’m about to have nearly everything I ever wanted.  Still I feel a little empty.

So we do stupid things

We do, I haven’t talked about this for a while, but I guess one of my driving forces was an ex girlfriend, still the love of my life though I’m hopeful not the only one, and I am a believer. I don’t think we had a messy break up, but I was heart broken and mourned for seven years, which only stopped after a profound dream.  The thing is she told me that I would never amount to anything, that I’d never be an importent member of society.  Worst of all that I would never go to the theater.  Now don’t get me wrong, this was horrible, but its one of the major motivators in my life. I’m not worried particularly what society thinks of me though I would like to make a difference I guess.  Retrospectively and pointed out by my brother, this was probably the words of her mother, not hers. And she did apologise for saying it, time and time again, but the damage had set in. The only way I could deal with the pain in the end was to shut her out of my life. Which bar a few chance encounters and a few emails about ten years ago, I have done.  So why then did I decide it was time to look her up? 15 years after the split?  I don’t know it’s almost very self destructive.  I have no idea  what I was hoping to achieve? I think part of me wanted her to be unhappy, ugly and lonely. Of course she is Happy, successful, married and a mother; all the things she should be. And I’m happy for her.  I look at my life and I know whats missing, it’s that partnership and being a parent.  Don’t get me wrong I love my life, my friends, my animals and that I get to make films.

Would you change things then?

When I look back I can’t blame the girl for ending it, I was depressed, I took too many pain-killers and my glass was always half empty.  I would have dumped the old me. Had I been a different person, or had we met as older people then perhaps things could have been different. But that’s not to be, and without all those things happening, would I be the person I am now? I doubt it very much.  I feel a little sad at the moment, but I’ve a funny feeling I just needed closure before I could finish this thing I’ve started. My life is close to being what I’ve always wanted and I need to vanquish my daemons and move on with it. Hopefully without hurting anybody in the process.

Laters,

Chalkster

Under Pressure

It would appear that No Balls is very, Very Close to becoming a very, very real thing.  As in actually happening.   In months rather then years.  And this weekend, I’ve really started to feel the pressure.  I’m going to have to stop to favors fairly soon.  Just because I wont have the time and I will need to bring a very sharp focus into the production.  This is my one shot at a career that I’ve dreamed of all my life. There is nothing else I wan to do and to have to do something else would be an immense letdown. It’s not about being able to tell people that I’m a film writer or director, it’s about making a really fucking good film.  Better then people expect.  Not cutting corners thinking out every moment of it.  And it’s that realisation that is scary.  I’ve an awful lot to do and an awful lot riding on it.

So that’s who I am?

I Found out what Chalkster is in an urban dictionary.  Could not have put it better myself.

Disappointed

Just went to see a local filmmakers short down at the picture palace. I was really hoping that it would be good.  I though that it was likely to be pretentious, but that it had the chance of being technically and literary very good. Sadly it was not only pretentious, it was possibly the worst short film I’ve ever seen.  I really upset by it and how poor it was.  It came from guys who have taken the OFVM courses, so there really was no excuse for it. We legged it afterwards so that we didn’t have to compliment it. Gutted.

More Video’s

I helped out Hayley Nolan and up and coming comedy actress who’s just moved to LA, by filming editing her Short Sketch “Sue Silvester’s Daughter”which seams to have really taken off…

Also been catching up with an old Pal, who is interested in doing some writing with the team.  Check out this video of his:

Whats happening now?

I’m just finishing a video for Nick Cope called “My Socks” which is a lovely childrens peace.  Which I”l post in the next week or two.  And we are filming 4 short Virals for Atomic Burger and Atomic Pizza  this week.  All frickin’ go!

Laters,

Chalkster

Much

I really don’t think that I regret my change in career. It’s been six or seven years since I left easynet in the pursuit of happiness.  I’m not sure the motivation for less stress has been found, but a much more meaningful and fulfilling life has ensued.  I’m sat in a hotel in the middle of Derby getting ready for another night shoot 4pm until 4am.  I’ll be outside in five minutes helping people out so that closer to a 3pm start for me.  I’ll likely not finish until 5 or 6am.  And that is a short day or me.  But it doesn’t feel like that.  I get to socialise all day with like minded people.  Not something I actually expected.

 I do however

Miss my friends, loved ones and my dog. Its a long time to be away from home. But as they say it’s on the home stretch now.

You can check out U.F.O. on IMDB.

Laters,

Chalkster